Never mind the width ~ Feel the quality …

Posted on October 5, 2011 by Trotsky

Well I think I’m just too nice … as for all of our brides-to-be that buy a wedding dress from us get a discounted rate on formal wear suit hire for their other half & all of the wedding party suits that they hire from us.

I have given a brochure & prices to the bride-to-be to take away for the groom to look at, as she has looked at our suits & really like’s them. I didn’t expect him to rush down the next day as the wedding is ages away…
Anyway her dress arrives & she comes in to make a payment & tells us that Malcolm has decided to get his suits from another shop, which is about 10-12 miles away from us (& further for them to get to).

When I asked why she said that the other shop had given him exactly the same brochure – but their prices were more expensive per suit. So Malcolm said that the only way we could be cheaper was by using cheaper quality suits.

I did point out that the suits come from exactly the same formal hire company, that is why they gave you the same brochure & the suits even get delivered by the same driver on a Monday & that the other bridal shops delivery is the one after ours on his round.
But she insisted that Malcolm had looked into this properly & was right –

I’m sure he would not have wanted the £125 that he would have saved – Oh well I guess you just can’t help some people … :-(
If he keeps paying out ‘Money for Nothing’ – they’ll be in ‘Dire Straits’ by the end of it all …

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Coffee & Mince …

Posted on September 29, 2011 by Trotsky

Smell that testosterone ~ Or is it Chanel  No:5 ?

Bride & Mummy come into the shop to look at wedding dresses – obviously because you can see them better than if you stand outside … & it’s also easier if you would like to try anything on.

So Sammie is off today having worked tirelessly over the bank holiday, I’ve offered my services for the day so that she can have a rest. I’m wearing my T-shirt with the big S on the front & my pants are on the outside. Just like any normal super-hero.

(Note to self – don’t wear Y-fronts next time as super-hero costume – it looks like I forgot my P.E kit) 
She has narrowed it down to 5 she really wants to try on … So here is my chance to leap into action in ‘slow motion’ …

During the conversation she looks at me & says ‘It must be so wonderful to own such a beautiful shop – You must be so tempted to try on all these lovely dresses’

I have to say that at this point I felt a little de-flatted, My rugged good looks, firm jaw & ‘Arnie’ body slipped away to reveal my moobs & portly figure – whilst thinking to myself that I must look a lot like Lily Savage on a bad hair day !!

She immediately tried to back-track on her statement ~ She then said what she meant was ‘if it was her bridal shop she’d be tempted’ ~ but it was far too late I was mortally wounded …

This leaves me with only one viable course of manly action, I have to seek immediate solace make myself coffee & mince outside for a cigarette where I can nurse my battered & bruised ego back to health …

Nigels wedding dress

Nigels wedding dress

Hey Nigel get your paws off that Tiara I saw it first!!  – Anyway I’ll scratch your eyes out it matches my Bridesmaids Dress better …

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Life’s Bazaar …

Posted on September 14, 2011 by Trotsky

So the Boss is off for the weekend in Harrogate buying wedding dresses, bridesmaid’s dresses & accessories at a trade only fair & Being the super-hero that I am step into the breach. With Ninja stealth I creep outside with cigarette & coffee, it works like a dream light-up & the phone rings, come back outside light-up & some-one wants to come in with her mum… – ho…hum …

She looks around & decides she’d like to try on a few dresses & mum says …

  • She wants to try on that dress in the window
  • Wouldn’t you prefer to use the changing room – it’s more private – boom – boom
  • Stony Faced mum says “This is a serious matter we’re trying to choose a wedding dress here”
  • Sorry…
  • Full of ‘Joie de vivre’ she says I should think so too… I bet she’s good fun at a party ;-)

Anyway after a while she has narrowed it down to a choice of 2 wedding dresses & mummy asks “what is the best price we can do for Felicity”.

  • So I say the price is on the label
  • Yes I can see it, but what’s your best price for her
  • The price on the label – but we would offer you a discount on your bridesmaid’s dresses & suit hire
  • Well were not prepared to pay you that – what would you take

I explain politely where Sam is & that the shop is a bridal shop & not a Moroccan bazaar we don’t normally haggle…

You either buy a wedding dress or you don’t

So mummy says to Felicity that they will drive up to Harrogate & she can have what she likes & they will get it at trade price

I try to tell them that you have to OWN a bridal shop as it is a trade only affair – buy minimum quantities & stock the designers labels & can’t just pay on the door to get in – but their not listening & leave excitedly to go to the trade only fair to bag their bargain …

Even if they managed to blag their way in – without being trade they will get laughed out of the door when they just want to buy 1 wedding dress for Felicity…I can just hear the crackle of the Tannoy now… ‘Roger-Security-Stand B52-Intruder Alert’ -  Let me escort you out madam …

C’est la Vie – Enjoy your long drive Ladies …

Doesn't it make you wanna spit

Doesn't it make you wanna spit

I’m not sure who said “It’s sometimes better to travel than to arrive” – But can you tell ‘cats bottom face’ mummy as she’s not listening to me – She gave me the hump…doesn’t it make you wanna spit

I bet them two really Rock the Casbah !!

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The Muppet Show lives on …

Posted on September 4, 2011 by Trotsky

So I’m sat quietly in a Buddhist Monk trance just preparing to make coffee & go for a cigarette, when I am interrupted from my multi-tasking by a young girl coming into the shop … It’s time to play the music …  it’s time to light the light …



  • Hi I’ve bought a Wedding Guest Book
  • Oh right … ( thinking I don’t remember you )
  • Now I’ve got it I don’t like it – it’s not what I wanted
  • O.K lets see what I can do

So she gets it out of her bag for me to look at & I can see straight away that it’s not one of mine. – Oh you didn’t get it from here then …

  • No I got it off the internet & Now I can see it I don’t like it
  • What do you want me to do about that
  • I want to swap it for one of yours
  • Don’t you mean I’d like to buy one of yours
  • No swap – Mine cost more but you can keep the difference …
  • Gee Thanks – Why would I want to swap something that you didn’t buy from me in the first place for a load of tat that I wouldn’t be able to give away – Why don’t you just send it back?
  • They don’t want it now its been opened
  • Sorry I don’t want it either – If it was mine I would be more than happy to exchange it – but it’s not
  • Well your not very helpful – All I wanted was to swap it !! –  Stomp off & Exit stage left (End – Act 1 – Scene 2)

Don’t worry about shutting the door I can get up & do that …

I’ve got to get up & look in the mirror to see if I can wipe away the writing on my fore-head that says Muppet before I go for a cigarette anyway … ;-)

Do I look like some sort of a muppet ???

Do I look like some sort of a muppet ???

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A Once in a Life-time opportunity

Posted on August 30, 2011 by Trotsky

I have just had the most amazing offer to promote my bridal shop business & website with a company who e-mailed me out of the blue.

According to them I can have the once in a life-time opportunity to take up their brilliant promotional offer of advertising with them for a modest fee, which by its own admission will be going up in price very soon as it has been so popular.

If you type into Google Search the keyword ‘business finder’ they come up No:1 in Google Search – My G*d they must be fantastic.

So I rush to my computer to Google their website & ‘Hey-presto’ eventually I find it & eagerly type in ‘Wedding Suppliers’ only to find Zero results match my search. Ooh I must be thick, why didn’t I try ‘Bridal Shops’ – Bugger – Zero results match my search.

  • Must be me, lets just search by county – Zero results match my search
  • Bridal-wear ? – Zero results match my search
  • Formal wear ? – Zero results match my search
  • Bridesmaids ? – Zero results match my search
  • Wedding Shoes ? – Zero results match my search
  • Women’s Clothing ? – Zero results match my search
  • Anything ? – Zero results match my search

By using the power of the Force my Jedi Knight instincts sense a kind of pattern emerging

Mmmmhhh… All of the categories appear to have nothing on them…

So I go back to reading their e-mail, they must be good they sent a screenshot with the blurb, & then I look again closely that the screenshot was from them typing their actual web address in the search box & then they only came in 2nd place!!

Don't mess with a Jedi Knight

Don't mess with a Jedi Knight

I don’t think it’s a disturbance in the Force – It’s a Jedi Mind Trick… It won’t work on Nigel – He’s a Jedi Master

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Does my Bum look BIG in this?

Posted on August 22, 2011 by Trotsky

A Bride-to- be has booked an appointment & comes in to try on a few wedding dresses – funny enough we get a lot of that …
With her she has brought mummy & Po faced granny. Who they have pushed in a wheelchair & she made painfully wounded noises as they went up the small step. When they struggled her in she said she could hardly walk, But once they were inside after all the grunting, pushing & sweating as she wasn’t a cream puff … She spotted the couch by the changing rooms & was out of the chair like Usain Bolt & ensconced for the up-coming fashion show …
Bride-to-be has tried on several wedding dresses & looked lovely in them – liking each one for various reasons – the top, the rouching, the train etc … but everything she or mummy liked Po faced granny had a cutting comment & hated them.
So she goes & changes into choice No:6 Bride-to-Be in wedding dress looks gorgeous, motor mouth granny says well at least it doesn’t make you bum look big – Well that was it – the tears started flowing like the Nile & she couldn’t get back in the changing room quick enough.
When she came out still sobbing she spots Po faced granny still sat – & a massive cat fight breaks out -
As all three of them spill out into the street still arguing, I have to go out after them as Po faced granny has obviously had some sort of Miracle Healing as while they are still at it walking down the road, I’m the proud new owner of a Wheelchair that is still sat all lonely with no occupant in the middle of the shop …

Now thats what I call a BIG but

Now thats what I call a BIG but

Po faced Granny reminded me a lot of Alf Garnett at the Manchester Utd -V- West Ham1985 cup game at Old Trafford, Alf blags his way into the wheelchair access area …

Alf's had a miracle cure

Alf's had a miracle cure

Alfs had a Miracle Cure … Just like Po Face Granny

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Nigel’s got a screw loose …

Posted on August 14, 2011 by Trotsky

Saturday morning started as just another day … I dropped Sam at Prettymades & I left Nigel to help with a few chores as the ally needed sweeping out & the windows needed a wash, but I didn’t have time as I had to go & un-lock my shop to meet a Bride.

Nigel cleans up... sadly not on the national lottery...

Nigel cleans up... sadly not on the national lottery...

Easy enough job what could possibly go wrong with my cunning plan of multi-tasking …

Well it turned out to be organised chaos …

Above the shop front is a large metal flag holder which Nigel spotted was hanging on by a cat’s whisker (poor sod nearly wet himself at that thought) off the wall & ready to fall & kill him – So he went & put on his Air Raid Warden hat which he got at a car boot sale in Wimborne last week for 50p & to think we all laughed at him for wasting his pocket money on rubbish ! !

He phoned the council emergency hot line & within minutes a council man arrived to inspect the scene of impending carnage. Who then at lightening speed parked underneath it with his hazard lights & orange whirly lights flashing. He got out his step ladder & couldn’t reach the offending object, so then had to call for back-up. 10 minutes later Bert arrives with his monster truck & ladders which make the Fire Brigade ones look like a Tonka Toy.

Simple so far …

Van No: 1 has to move out of the way… He gets in to start it & all the N.A.S.A launch pad flashing lights have made his battery as flat as a f*rt… So everyone joins in to push him out of the way (except the florist next door who is too posh to push ! !)

Monster truck & Bert move into position – 5 minutes later & the offending object has been diffused – Hurrah! ! Crisis averted before half of Wimborne has been killed by falling objects.

Now things really get tense as Bert can’t get the Monster truck past the van… “Oh No” I hear you cry “what shall we do” ? ? ?

Don’t worry I’ve got a good idea – Why don’t we cone off the road & cause a 10 mile tailback jamming up the whole of Wimborne town centre…

Chaos in Wimborne...a few cones & a flake

Chaos in Wimborne...a few cones & a flake

Next time Nigel just Keep your mouth shut… you never know your luck it may have fallen & killed some idiot that voted in favour of the Wimborne B.I.D… ;-)

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Every Cloud has a Saliva Lining …

Posted on August 13, 2011 by Trotsky

So I’m in the shop as per norm beavering away at Minesweeper or something equally important like solitaire.

When the door bursts open & in bristle’s a young lady, who then proceeds to tear me off a strip about how badly we’ve let her down as her wedding dress isn’t here & she’s getting married in 2 weeks time & didn’t I realise how stressful all of this was & how it was ruining her big day. (All in one huge sentence without a pause for breath or giving her brain a chance to get out of neutral)

I bravely took my chance to get a word in & said – OK Lets start with who are you & I’ll get your file so we can sort it out …

She just looked at me a little sheepish & said – Sorry I’m in the wrong shop, I only wanted to know when I can collect the Bridesmaids Dresses as Sam said she is steaming them for us, now they have been fitted & promptly burst into tears …

So using my great powers of tact & diplomacy (courtesy of JCB finishing school) I sat her down with a tissue & let her carry on …

Oh my poor pale blue shirt is now covered in tears – snot & a sort of yucky make-up & mascara mix (classy look if you can pull it off – personally I think I’ve nailed it !! )

As it happens she had tried wedding dresses on in our shop but ended up buying from a shop about 10 miles away – But did come back for the Bridesmaid’s dresses & Formalwear for the men.

But we still have a very sad looking bride-to-be Who now wants to buy the wedding dress that she tried on in our shop – just as a back up even though the other bridal shop have promised her that her wedding dress will arrive & she was just being panicky …

Hurrah !! Crisis avoided from our point of view – I suggest she doesn’t rush into it as I will put the wedding dress to one side & she could come back on Monday & see the seamstress at the same time if she still wanted to go ahead & buy it, rather than just rush into making a purchase.

Hurrah !! X 2 as I even have a smiley bride-to-be who has cheered up & I can now go for Coffee & Nicotine ;-)

She indeed came back on the Monday – Bought the dress, had it Altered & Hemmed & wore it on her wedding day.

2 Weeks after the wedding she came back in with choccies & a bottle of wine – & some pictures of her on the big day to show us.

Call me biased – but I think she looked gorgeous in our gown (mmmmhh choccies & wine …)

Funny enough she is still waiting for her wedding dress to arrive from the other shop that she bought it from. (I don’t think they got choccies …) :-(

Every cloud has a saliva lining...

Every cloud has a saliva lining...

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Lazing on a Sunny Afternoon …

Posted on August 12, 2011 by Trotsky

Yet another thrilling Sunday arrives with lightening speed – Oh what to do today? Leisurely full English / buy Sunday paper/ sit in the garden / sunshine / bottle of beer… Heaven.

Oh G*d my teeth are being shaken out of my head – were having a massive earthquake & people all around are shouting !!!           “Wake up Porky we’ve overslept & have got to be set-up at a wedding fair in half an hour!!” – Brilliant no Full English then…?

At least all we’ve got to do is go, as the car was loaded the night before – O..h…Noooo.. I nearly forgot to get dressed in the rush…

Arrive at Wedding Fair & set-up slightly later than expected whilst being ‘tutted’ at by ultra efficient exhibitors who have been set-up & ready before the dawn chorus… After running around like a headless chicken it’s now my favourite time 10 mins before the wedding fair ‘officially’ opens. Time to round up some black coffee & go for a bit of nicotine infused fresh air… & Chill…

So Brides & Grooms come & go I smile lots & give out leaflets / info / try to sound like I know what I’m talking about when they ask a question etc…

When a bride-to-be walks up smiling lots & enthusiastically says “Hi – Nice to see you again” ( At this point I am all alone in the world as Sammie Sunshine has gone to get us coffee )

  • How are you? ( Ah she must be one of our Brides – she knows me )
  • Fine thanks, I’m glad to see you again – Your Roses & Garters aren’t you…
  • Yes – Great what can I do for you today? – I’m just helping out – Sam will be back in a Mo
  • Where’s the ring cushion you had?
  • There on the table… & you can have any colour ribbon you like… I can even personalise it for you
  • No no no that’s not it, it was red all over – you had it last time – I wanted to buy it today
  • When was that? Tell you what if you like I’ll take your phone No: & get Sam to call you
  • You were at a wedding fair near ‘Hurn Airport’ – You had it there

I turned round to get a pen & in the blink of an eye she was gone – There wasn’t even a crowd to blend into.

When Sam returned I told her & she said good grief that was about 4 years ago… After all this excitement I sit down to drink my coffee on the sofa behind our stand. Sam then says loudly ‘ Don’t sit like that…You look like Jabba the Hutt… Only older & not quite so good looking!! ’

MEE having a Break ...

MEE having a Break ...

That’s my Relaxing Sunday ruined… Now I’m going to sulk :-(

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The Big Shoe Sale

Posted on August 11, 2011 by Trotsky

A Bride-to-Be & her two friends come in who probably are going to be her Bridesmaids – they are out shoe shopping –             As luck would have it they are looking for wedding shoes & by her massive powers of stating the obvious says in a very loud voice ‘Wow’ look they’ve got wedding shoes – I wonder how much they are ??

Well it is only a small display table 4ft X 4ft square & three tiers high with a massive sign that says ‘Discontinued Shoe Sale’  ‘Only £10.00 per pair’

So she picks up a pair tries them on & they fit like a glove, then she asks if she can have another 2 pairs in a 5.5 & a 7 as she can’t see them on the display.

I try to explain that they are all discontinued & are not in the new season collection so we are selling off what we have left.

  • That’s brilliant luck for me then – can I order two pairs in a 5.5 & a 7 then at £10.00 each
  • No we are just selling off these at that price
  • But I want two more – can’t you get them in for me
  • Yes I can get them until the end of the month if I order them, but they are £55.00 a pair
  • No it says £10.00
  • Yes what’s there on display is £10.00 as we won’t get them in again … as there is no point in buying lots of discontinued shoes
  • Great if I give you £30.00 can you ring me when you get them …

At this point I decide that I have lost the will to live & need Coffee – Nicotine & a big wall to bang my head against as I’m convinced that it would be less painful

Selling Shoes is Painful

Selling Shoes is Painful

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