Surely they must pick me out on purpose . . .

Sit back relax & Picture the scene . . .  I’m working hard as per normal slaving away with the daily chores of playing Mine-Sweeper & drinking my coffee ( Ladies: Please note that I am doing 2 things at once, which in my book is called multi-tasking )

The phone rings & a man says to me:

• Hi I found you on Google & your website says you have a seamstress
• Yes that’s right –
• Great can I bring my Jersey in for her to have a look at ?
• No – We do alterations on Bridalwear that is normally bought from us
• It doesn’t say that on your website !
• OH Really – I put on there that we offer this service for our Brides & Bridesmaids, which I thought would lead people to the conclusion that we do Bridal-wear not jersey’s
• O.K – But can I bring it in anyway for her to look at
• NO . . .
• Why Not ??? ( Blank Silence ensues )
• Does it say on our website we mend Jersey’s ?
• No
• Well there you go – There’s your answer then
• But I want to wear it out tonight & it needs mending
• Sorry I can’t help you
• What do you suggest then
• Look on Google & find some-one that does Jersey repairs
• I did that & found your website, it says you have a seamstress !
• We’ve done this bit . . . NO
• What am I going to do now ? I want to wear it out tonight & it needs mending !
• I have got a few suggestions by this point
  1. – Buy another one
  2. – Wear something else
  3. – Find some-one that cares
  4. – P*ss Off

Holy Cow . . .

I am totally convinced that this was some sort of hoax call as I’m certain nobody could get that old being so stupid & manage to dress themselves to go out in the evening, let alone have any friends to go out with in the first place ! ! !

Perhaps he’s got mad cow stuff in his head or is just full of Bull . . .

The only problem now is that I have to go to work wearing a poncho, cowboy boots & leather chaps.
Sam thought that it would help speed up the process of packing up the boxes, but in reality it has had the opposite effect as I now spend most of the day staring in the mirror & challenging myself to a gun-fight, whistling a fistful of dollars, chewing a small cigar & spitting on the carpet !!

A Fistful of Tape Dispenser

I have now decided that enough is enough & this has to stop, as last week I was looking at myself in the mirror & while walking past tripped over Nigel who was standing at the top of the stairs . . . I went base over apex & rolled down the stairs with the gun in my hand & wrapped myself up like a mummy.
I had covered my face & could not even speak I had to mime to Nigel to help me. Nigel said that I was like Parcel Marceau, after he had finished laughing at me he ripped off the packing tape – not very gently I may add . . . So I have now had a full body wax . . . I will get my own back !!

Parcel Marceau

That’s not funny Nigel – I want my mummy . . .

If anyone wants a Packing Tape Gun & Stetson – Call Me at the Shop on 01202 424477.
I will even throw in a naughty hamster for free . . .

Crews were withdrawn from the building just before the collapse and were still at the scene on Sunday damping down.

Fire investigators are trying to find out if a fireworks display during the wedding reception caused the blaze, Isle of Wight Fire and Rescue Service said it was focusing on the fireworks display as part of the investigation.

A fire service spokesman said they had initially responded to reports that the roof of the hotel was on fire and that the flames had then spread to the top part of the building.

Everyone wants a wedding day to remember – but for all the right reasons – not something that you could never forget in a hurry . . .

You have to spare a thought for the owners of a business up in smoke after all the blood, sweat & tears of working so hard toward making it work . . . as well as the bride – who would want that as a grand finale to their wedding video. That’s one to keep locked in the back of the drawer, very unlikely that you’d invite your friends around for a drink on a Saturday night to watch that . . .

Ryde Castle Fire - IOW

Our thoughts and Best Wishes to all involved . . .

I wa$ going to write about you’ll never gue$$ what happened to me thi$ week – But I thought I would run a little competition in$tead

It$ called $pot the mi$$ing letter – $o pen$ & pencil$ at the ready . . . or Crayola Crayon$

I$ the an$wer :

A – George Wa$hington

B – The Eiffel Tower

C – (  )

An$wer$ on a Po$tcard to :

$pot the mi$$ing letter Competition & Win a $un$eeker Yacht

Plea$e make $ure to write your name & Addre$$ clearly a$ I need to Po$t the prize in a Jiffy-Bag to the winner

Good Luck to all who wi$h to enter !!

(N.B Term$ & Condition$ apply* – Clo$ing date: =Ye$terday)

Hopefully normal $ervice will be re$umed $hortly a$ it$ driving me in$ane

sunseeker - predator 130

Win a Jiffy-Bag Competition

Announcing Breaking Newz of our Latezt Competition

How to get a Zunzeeker into a Jiffy-Bag

I have juzt had a look at the Zunzeeker website & zpotted a fatal flaw in our competition the Predator 130 iz : 128’ 4’’ Long X 26’ 4’’ Wide    -    but my Jiffy-Bag iz only 6’’ X 8’’

Zo the ultimate fantastic prize for thiz competition iz a Jiffy-Bag

Zo penz & pencilz at the ready . . . or Crayola Crayonz again

Q: How do I get a  Zunzeeker Predator 130 into my Jiffy-Bag

Iz the anzwer :

A – George Wazhington

B – The Eiffel Tower

C – I Don’t Know

D – Buy a bigger Jiffy-Bag

(N.B Termz & Conditionz apply* – Clozing date: 1zt Apr 2012)

* All entriez must be accompanied by a letter from your doctor confirming that you are of zound mind

* All entrantz must be over 18

The Lucky Winner of thiz amazingly Naff Prize will be drawn from our Wedding Card Pozt Box & it will be posted out to them the next day Firzt Clazz

GOOD LUCK !!

On the website I’ve got a page about local wedding venues in Dorset that we recommend & we do wedding fairs with them & try to promote. I have done this venue a nice little bit of blurb, a picture of the venue & a link to their weddings page.

We have also got one of our Bride & Grooms to book the venue for their wedding day & have also told absolutely everyone to go to the event to support them.

So I’m all set up & ready to rock & roll, the wedding co-ordinator comes around to see if every-one is happy closely followed by the administration manager in tow, who proceeds to look me up & down then turns to the wedding co-ordinator & says …

Oh dear I think we have a problem. So I immediately ask what the matter is seeing that he couldn’t be bothered to actually talk to me directly & he says that if I need to be told that we have a problem then he didn’t see why he should have to tell me.

This pretty much pi**ed me off & I then had to pick at it like an irritating scab, eventually after 5 minutes of debating that he can’t just say that & walk off – he said that I should have worn a suit & tie for the special occasion. Why he didn’t go the whole hog & just say that I looked like a scruffy piece of sh*t that he had trodden in as he looked down his nose at me & walked away I don’t know.

This left the poor wedding co-ordinator just stood there who had gone bright red with embarrassment – she said I’m really sorry & scuttled away as quickly as her little legs could carry her . . .

I was quite hurt & wounded as I was wearing my new Levi 501’ s & a brand new shirt – the consolation for me was that I knew my watch was worth more than his cheap shiny suit & that he probably had a complex about his receding hair & shiny bald spot.

I did consider just packing up & going home to watch the football but I didn’t want to let Sam down as I am doing it for her & Prettymades Bridal Shop so I took it on the chin & smiled & chatted with the people at the event.

The wedding co-ordinator was showing couples around the venue.

G*d must have been watching as the first couple that Mr Up his own arse shows round is some-one that we know & rushes up to shake my hand saying ‘Hi its nice to see you’ – The look on his face was priceless & made staying worth that magic moment . . .

About 10-15 minutes later he appeared & offered to get me coffee if I would like – Hell yes I would like dumb-arse, sadly for him the damage had been done – When it was all over I packed up & rushed off home to strip my websites of all the images & links to their hotel & weddings pages & will never again encourage any of our brides-to-be to look at or even consider booking that place as their wedding venue

As they say Pi** me off at your peril – They wont get any revenue off of our recommendations which I thought things like this were all about. . .   I guess they don’t want poor people & riff-raff spending their hard earned money with them . . .

The usual suspects reared their ugly heads.  -  Cosy candle-light dinner cooked by other half, Take-away, Cinema, Meal out at fav restaurant etc … One was even being taken away for the week-end which got an instant Ooh you lucky cow …

Except for Miss Poker-Face who said – Well I don’t know how you can possibly celebrate all those people dying like that – It was a terrible thing to happen.

• This got a what the ***k are you on about ?

• Valentines Day is named after a gangster who massacred loads of people by shooting them dead.

• I guess that buying them flowers & chocolates & trying to kill them with kindness takes a bit longer than a bullet then

• Its not funny I think its awful to celebrate something like that !!

• No love – the gangster wasn’t called Valentine nor were any of the people that he shot – Its called the St Valentines Day Massacre because by a massive coincidence they gunned down 7 gangsters at a Chicago garage in 1929 on – ooh guess what day . . .

• So she then says – Yeh Right I don’t think so !! – You want to learn a bit more about your English History before you say stupid stuff like that !

• Oh yeah silly me that’ll be that well known English gent called Mr. Capone then who had a bungalow in Bexhill-on-Sea

• Oh now your taking the P*** & you lot can stop tittering – you’re making it worse & encouraging him !!

G*d help me some-days if only I had a machine gun – I wonder if I would get a Saints Day named after me for doing the world a favour . . .

In 1981, Motörhead and Girlschool released an EP the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

St-Valentines-day-massacre

Ask me nicely one day I’ll tell you how I managed to sleep through seeing Motorhead !!

What can I say yet more images of MEE on the internet. I was working at Prettymades giving the outside advertising frames in the alley a coat of paint when the people from Google Earth came by & asked if they could take my picture as they were making a full length feature film about the outside of our Bridal Shop & would I like a starring role.

Of course I was more than happy to oblige …

MEE on Google Earth

When Sam found it she said that the only reason they took my picture was because I am so fat that I have got my own Postcode … A little cutting Mee thinks – She’s only jealous of my new found celebrity status

Now I know how proud Mike from Monsters Inc. must have felt at being on the front cover of the monster magazine & also starring in the TV ad for Monsters Incorperated

Like MEE on Google

What  can  I  say  the  Camera  loves  MEE !!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I’M FAMOUS

Like MEE on Google Earth ...

We also had a talk & demonstration by ‘Xedo’ Software about their Bridal appointment system – Which is very impressive followed by a workshop with our Ultimate Formal Hire hosts, who’s hospitality was fantastic as the red wine flowed

It was at this point that I was catapulted to fame as the photographer took a picture of our group – which appeared in the Bridal Buyer magazine.

MEE at UFH & Xedo Event

We then had an amazing lunch which was all washed down with a small mouthful of more red wine … ( I had a small bucket to drink mine out of !! )

29 Supper Club Glagow

We were then taken to our hotel that we were staying in for the night.

Blythswood Hotel & Square

This was the Blythswood Hotel in Glasgow – Which is beautiful; our room was bigger than the whole of our house & our room overlooked the park in front of the hotel. After we had got ready for the evening as we were going back to The Supper Club for a Gala Dinner.

I had to dress up like a penguin …

Supper Club Dinner Glasgow

We sat on a table with the lovely Suzie who is a Goddess at Ultimate Formal Hire …

This combined with dressing like a penguin makes me very nervous & when I get like that it makes my tourettes worse.

So I must say a big ‘Thank You’ to the shop assistant from ‘Spank the Monkey’ Bridal in Hartlepool for pointing this out to me … So I never got as far as the first course when I retired to the smoking area never to return to my dinner … which I am told was very nice indeed … But on the plus side Andrew bought me a Pint of Guinness & calmed my disposition … After which I then sat with the lovely Cathy, Alison & Geoff & Enjoyed the remainder of the evening keeping clear of Mr ‘Spank the Monkey’ Bridal, who eventually disappeared up his own backside …

So a massive ‘Thank You’ to all at ACS Clothing & ‘Xedo’ Software for a wonderful event …

I know I haven’t written anything for a few weeks but I’m pretty sure I am still breathing – My car on the other hand has been poorly sick, I know she was ill when she let me put her on the back of a low-loader to go to the Jaguar garage without complaining. So I have been working from home with the phone on divert & delivering Brides orders in the evening that I’ve worked on during the day.   You know what it’s like I hate paperwork & accounts & stuff so that’s been on the agenda …  Yeh… Yeh… If I was at home I could have written something but as they say Laziness is next to Godliness & I haven’t got that far up the alphabet yet… Manyanah

Anyway back to the point some shop owner not too far away from us has been spreading the rumour that we have gone bust

Well let me tell you once again in a loud voice that ‘It ain’t gonna happen’ – When we moved one of our shops from Highcliffe to Wimborne some-one was saying it then as well & I think it’s the same person

I was very surprised & disappointed that they were stupid enough to phone one of our suppliers & ask if they could have our exclusive labels for the Dorset area ( They wouldn’t tell me who it was – but at least our suppliers had the courtesy to let me know )

Forrest Gump had more savvy than that – I will find out who it is eventually

If you carry on being a right T*T

Anyway back to the good news my baby is all better now thanks to the healing hands of Ben & Rich, I’m going to have a quick coffee & fag before the tearful re-union, but the bad news is that I’ve now got no excuse not to go to work … Back to the grindstone ho-hum

******* Please insert rude word of your choice

As per usual it works like a magic lamp I Light up & some-one comes in to have a look at the wedding dresses.

So she picks out a couple to try on & really likes one but obviously there’s lumpy bits of her & a few bits hanging out that maybe shouldn’t be so perhaps a slightly bigger size may be in order. So I un-lace the wedding dress it’s a bit like pulling the pin on a hand-grenade –  & quickly withdraw to a point of safety & shut the changing room curtain before she explodes out of the dress.

Next thing I know a hand appears waving the dress at me & she says “ I’ll try the next size up “

MEE being Mr. Silly thinks to self ‘Wow she’s easy to please’ & take the wedding dress off her & go to hang it up & get the tape & order forms to take down her measurements while I wait for her to get changed & come out – but she doesn’t appear & now I’m worried some-one has stolen her out of the changing room.

• Well after a long delay she appears & says “I take it you can’t find them”
• Can’t find what ?
• The one I want in the next size up
• No … we only have one size of each
• Well if you get one in I’ll come back in a couple of days & make sure it fits before I buy it
• No we only ever have one sample of each at a time & order off of that
• Don’t be silly I need to try it on first don’t I – Else why would I buy it
• That’s why I was going to take your measurements – I thought you wanted to order it
• Yes of course I want to order it – I love it – Its gorgeous
• We don’t usually order any of the dresses before we take a deposit – else you might decide you don’t want it & we are left with a dress that we don’t need but still have to pay for
• When’s your Boss back I’ll come back then & talk to her – As you’ll need to get a move on as the wedding is in 2 weeks
• 2 WEEKS ?? – You didn’t tell me that bit – The wedding dresses normally take 16-20 weeks to order
• Don’t be stupid 16-20 weeks my arse – I’ll be having words with your Boss about you – I will be back in on Friday – make sure you get it for then
• Honestly they take that long – Really you need to choose one that we do have that you like in your size & we can get the alterations done in plenty of time
• Now your being daft – I’ll see you on Friday

So she upped & left & now I’m a desperado I need Nicotine & Caffeine to calm my jangling nerves as I just know she is going to be a very disappointed bunny & I’m in the dog-house for not asking the question ‘So When’s the Big-Day?’ earlier.

But the good news is Sam is back on Friday & she can clean up the train wreck that I left the shop & customers in …

As they say T.G.I.F I’m not gonna be here !!

Alpaca the customers in for you …

She looked at me like I was the woolly headed one !!